I thought I could let go that my grandmother passed last Thursday and not write about it here, even though here isn't really a place yet, or has any audience whatsoever. But she did, and she did so on the same day as my pup's 3rd birthday.

Everyone who has known my pup since birth has said that she [my pup] was just an ancestor reincarnated into a dog's body, and now there is no doubt in my mind that this is true.

In September I spent much of the month staring at the sky. So much so that I created an Are.na channel and threw in some cloud referencing PDFs so that I could learn their names. Then, naturally, I found something written regarding how absurd even the idea of classifying a cloud might be, and I became disillusioned with the idea of naming or identifying a cloud at all.

But I felt the movement of time through the passing of each cloud, and I also forgot about time..

I felt a lot of clarity and peace, if not at least within myself only.

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My mother and I knew my grandmother wasn't doing well. When I went to visit her at the beginning of this year, I knew it would be the last time I'd see her face to face. She held my arms, she sang one of my favorite songs spontaneously, and I saw myself in her, now more than ever.

The day of, I woke up feeling extremely heavy. Soon after, I received the call from my mom's partner. I'd missed my mom's call, which I hardly ever do.

I cried all day as I walked with June out n about. Lol but she knew it was her birthday and she went all out. She pulled me this way and that, she smelled every thing there was, and I patted my cheeks with my sleeves. She ran around off leash at the park, and I thought deeply about my grandmother, my family, my complicated ancestry, and still pondered where I fit into it all.

The day itself was a celebration of life, from the very real finality of death to celebrating the unadulterated happiness of being alive and young, as embodied by Junie.

I don't know how much to share on here yet so I will leave it at that. But if you made it this far, thanks for readin’ <3

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